I'll be losing you before long

 I thought about suicide today.

It was just a nice sense of relief. Thinking about it made me feel good, like getting a nice surprise or winning a prize.

Like, only now I really truly believe I won't see my ex-girlfriend again. I know that, it's fair and reasonable and rational. 

And it's leaving me feeling completely empty. I've been off work for a week, and the stress and pressure of going back next week is making me cry everyday.

Well, not just that. I don't think I'll ever be able to get what I had again. I'm left in such a confused and vulnerable way that I don't know if I can be in love again. 

When my Dad died I couldn't do anything about it, and I felt… assured that I did every damn thing I could to help him. When this relationship died, it did so because I'm an absolute piece of fucking shit, and I can't change for whatever happens different in the future.

I don't want to anymore. I just don't. I don't even want to go back, because that didn’t work. 

I can’t be depressed. Depressed people don’t cry. I’m just a shithouse piece of shit.

I’ll be losing you before long